Meet Phyllis

I want to make one thing perfectly clear: My mother is the best woman in the entire world. She is smart and beautiful and funny and a wonderful wife and mom.

I want to make something else very clear: My mother is one of the strangest people I have ever met.

One day, I took it upon myself to clean out the hall closet in Mom's house. Amidst the ancient vacuum bags and old cassette tapes, I found a piece of brown wrapping paper, probably six inches by four. I started to throw it into the trash bag, and Mom swooped down on me, screaming like a banshee, "DON'T THROW THAT AWAY! I CAN USE IT!" I made the mistake of asking what, exactly, she could use a Kleenex-sized scrap of wrapping paper for, and she began listing off small things she could wrap with it, such as jewelry or a cookie. I helped out by supplying other small gift items: a toenail, an even smaller piece of brown wrapping paper, a pencil eraser, air molecules, maybe even a green bean. Althoug irritated by my lack of appreciation for the manifold uses of this tiny piece of paper, Mom began to laugh until she teared up, then had to sprint up the stairs to the bathroom before she wet her pants.

I love my mom. Someday I will splurge and buy her a whole roll of brown wrapping paper.