Which would be okay, because over the years, my mother has amassed an extensive collection of handmade and/or hideous Christmas ornaments and knick-knacks. Every year, my brother hauls up several enormous Rubbermaids full of Yuletide crap and the family forms a grim parade, trudging up to a beaming Phyllis as she proudly hands out glitter-covered pinecones and construction paper Santas and then depositing these treasures throughout the house. A lot of families keep their kids' ornaments, and now that I have a child I understand how precious these little objets d'art are to a mother. Some of this other junk, though, just kind of blows our minds. I had to take pictures to prove that some of it exists. Let's start with an old favorite...
CHRISTMAS PLANK
My little brother made Phyllis this plank in 1999. It is a piece of plywood sawed into a roughly square shape with a heartfelt message ("Merry Christmas Mom Christmas '99") printed on computer paper and glued to the front. I helped Adam braid some scraps of fabric (attractively secured, by the way, with a purple hair tie and some scavenged fabric holly berries) and then Adam used a full roll of Scotch tape to attach the braid to the plank. This beauty has had pride of place on our tree for 12 years now, even though Lucy the Labrador gnawed on one side. We feel this only adds to the ambience. When I first showed my husband Christmas Plank, he almost spewed egg nog out of his nose.
LIFESAVER MAN
Mom made Lifesaver Man in Campfire Girls back in about 1832. One of her brothers ate the Lifesavers out of him at some point. Mom still harbors deep resentment.
TINY CAROLER
Here is a tiny caroler. If you ever need a tiny carol sung, she is your tiny woman. Seriously, she's about an inch high. Mom doesn't even remember where she came from, but when she pulls her out of the ancient, crumbling shoebox and unwraps the decade-old newspaper from around her, she gasps and cries, "Tiny Caroler!" in a rapturous tone, as if she is greeting a long-lost loved one. (To be fair, she does this with every single ornament she unwraps. It's like really bizarre Tourette's: "Soccer Ball Santa! Bunco Dice! Paper Plate With Glitter On It! Cinnamon Stick Santa!")
HIPPO IN A BIKINI
Nothing says, "Unto you is born this day a savior who is Christ the Lord" like a hippopotamus wearing a bikini.
BASSET HOUND IN HALF AN EGG
PHYLLIS: Sam, you should have this ornament since you have a Basset Hound now!
ME: No.
PHYLLIS: Why not?
ME: Because it is fug.
PHYLLIS: Hey!
SNOWMAN WITH HAIR
We voted. This is the scariest ornament on the tree.
VARIOUS HANDMADE PIECES OF CRAP
There just isn't room for all of our priceless handmade ornaments and decorations, but you can see that tissue paper, contrary to popular belief, does not improve with age.
I suppose I should give credit where credit is due. When my brother and I got married, Mom distributed several pounds of ornaments to our new families. She has gotten her ornament stash (just the ornaments for the tree, mind you) down to one Rubbermaid, prompting Dad to congratulate her on being "Old Phyllis One-Bucket." So it was really a banner year for Phyllis. To top it off, my little boy is old enough to be semi-aware of what's going on. You can see the joy on his chubby little face at being able to participate in the Ornament March:
Maybe, in his two-year-old mind, a snowman with hair makes sense.
There are dozens more treasures I could list, but this is the cream of the crop. I wish I had time to tell you about the Happy Meal ornaments, and the Dead Dog Glazed Milkbones to commemorate the passing of our various pets, and the year Phyllis made my brother and I paint plastic to look like stained glass. She sits on the piano bench every year and reminisces while we gaze at the holiday splendor that is our Christmas tree. I do poke fun, but it's honestly impossible not to feel the spirit of Christmas when you're presented with beauty such as this:
That's right. Two twisted pipe cleaners and a red pom pom ball.
Hallelujah, Christ has come.
