The Will of the Woe

Phyl is the worst song lyricist in the entire world. She has a really pretty singing voice, but she cannot for the life of her get a single lyric correct in the songs she sings. One of my favorite examples is the Rod Stewart song "On the Radio," which Phyl sings as "Under Any O. " Which makes sense. "Dancin' to the music / under any O."  Ahh, how we used to love to dance under any giant letter "O" we could find. Generally we would stop at a Waffle House and do the Twist directly underneath the "o" in "House." Good times.

Another classic is "I Believe in Miracles" by Hot Chocolate. Of course, in Mom's warm, sunny, M.C. Escher-esque mind, this is translated to "I Believe in Malacos." Malaco is a Swedish candy brand. It makes sense to believe in them.

 They are, after all, "Gott & blandat."

Sometimes Mom doesn't even bother trying to sing lyrics that are even close to the originals, or even real words at all. A favorite substitute for an actual word is "scooby," as in "You make me scooby like the sun." It's very moving to hear, belted out from the driver's seat, Mom's rendition of "Fun, Fun, Fun" by the Beach Boys; it goes something like this: "She'll have fun, fun, fun / 'Til her scooby takes her scooby away!" Vast improvement on the original, I think.

Another trick is to just mumble or hum when you come to an unfamiliar part of the song. Mom will often attempt to sing along to a song she's never even heard, so all you hear is a vague rumbling and some semi-formed words: "It's been one wuh hmmhmmhmmhmmhmm, hmm huh head hmmhmmhmmhmm angry" is how Mom sings the chorus to "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. We have pointed out that it might be more enjoyable to simply listen to the song instead of trying to sing along if you don't know any of the words, but she can't hear us over her passionate version of Garth Brooks' anthem, "I've Got Fruh Hmmhmmhmm Low Faces."

And here's our absolute favorite, which has passed into family parlance: "You're the One That I Want" by the cast of the movie Grease. Mom is convinced that they are singing "You're the Will of the Woe." Dad has tried again and again to explain that this makes zero sense and is one hundred percent wrong, but Mom's swift retort is always and forever, "Well, that's what they SAY." And she's right. Sandy is the will of Danny's woe, and vice versa. Andy is the will of my woe. Romeo was the will of Juliet's woe. And Mom is the will of everybody's woe, because she is constantly entertaining and amusing and we love her in spite of all the crazy.